Thin and superficial

Mar 30

Thin and superficial
Let me put that in context. A person’s word or promise is like their skin. Thin and superficial. 

I am at a point where I have almost given up on my business. I have been given a thin opportunity with an incubator. I haven’t been accepted onto their program but I have been given a document to read, something to complete and then they’ll see if they can assist. What I really need is HELP and to NOT be doing this on my own. However, I am grateful for the possible opportunity.

In the meantime I want to go back to work while I rebuild my business into what it was meant to be in my spare time. I have asked so many people for help. As a person who has constantly been rejected in life from the tender and innocent age of 3 it is incredibly difficult for me to ask for help. I am not vain or conceited. Just petrified of putting myself out there and asking for help. But I have asked for help.

All the spiritual books I have read have said the greatest gift you can give someone is to ask for their help. By being in service to another human being you are fulfilling a divine purpose within yourself. Maybe that’s why I was in recruitment. I received an enormous amount of joy by helping people find a new job, or find a job when they were unemployed. I am now in the asking seat for the first time in 41 years and asking (not paying) for help and not one person will help me.

I have every answer from let me see what I can do, I’ll call you this afternoon, I’ll call you tomorrow, I’m in a meeting I’ll call you back, let me get back to you, send me an email and I’ll have a look for you, I’ll have a look out for you dude, I’ll keep my ears open for you, or just completely ignoring me. These people have no intention whatsoever of doing a thing for me. Why can’t people just say NO?

Just say NO. No, I can’t help you. No, I don’t want to help you, No, I don’t know anyone who can help you. Don’t string people along. My very being, my very existence, feels as if it is hanging by a very fine thread, almost about to snap, break, end. By giving me hope and saying I’ll call you, you’re giving me hope. You make me come back for more excuses, you make me follow up, only to hear more excuses, which send me on a roller coaster of hope, rejection, depression. JUST.FUCKING.SAY.NO so I can cross you off my 2-page long list of ‘hopefuls’ so I can move on and beg more people for help until someone sees the enormous untapped potential in me that my career assessment and psychometrist says is there and dares to give me a chance. 

A chance at starting to live my life again. A chance to be that beautiful butterfly. A chance to flow with the world.

Thin and superficial

 

Let me put that in context. A person’s word or promise is like their skin. Thin and superficial.

 

I am fed up, disillusioned, and want no part of this world any more. I am not asking for a life that is perfect, hassle free, and goes smoothly and my way every single day. I understand that change and growth is hard and difficult. I am sure the caterpillar doesn’t have a smooth ride inside the cocoon it builds for itself, but it undergoes the process, by force of nature, and emerges a butterfly. The caterpillar has no choice. It has to undergo the process. And it emerges.

 

I am at a point of understanding that I am undergoing a process of change. However, when I look back it has been since 2005 when I have felt that something wasn’t right and needed to shift. 11 years ago I had a home (rented, not bought, although I begged the owner to sell it to me), and I had been there for 5 years. It was the longest in my 30 years of life that I had lived at one fixed address for longer than a year. I had a driver’s licence and a car. I had a career. I was studying. I had an impeccable credit record. I was having THE very best sex in my life. I had friends. I had a social life. I had a phenomenal support system. I was going out, enjoying life, and at the same time raising, clothing, feeding, and sending my 5 year-old daughter to a private school on my own, with no maintenance, by choice. Life wasn’t great but it was good.

 

Fast forward to 2016. 11 goddam years later. I gave up a career in recruitment to pursue a dream of owning my own business. 11 years later I have no career, I can’t get back into recruitment (I’m not a hard core sales bitch), I don’t have a business, my ‘relationship’ with my partner is non-existent, I have a mountain of debt (from my now almost non-existent business), I can’t afford to pay for a single thing without financial assistance from a partner who hates me, and best of all…I can’t find a job in social media or digital advertising.

 

I heard the analogy of an orchid recently. We’re always looking forward to the next tree we ‘should’ be planting yet we never stop to look back at what we have achieved, all the trees we have planted, and when do we ever stop and sit in the shade of those trees and enjoy the fruits of our success. I thought this was so beautifully phrased. Then I stopped to think about it. What trees have  I planted that I can look back on and appreciate the fruits?

 

Career tree. No

Financial tree. Burnt to the ground

Relationship (emotional and physical) tree. No

Love tree. No

Support tree. No.

Friendship tree. No

Network tree. No

Independence tree. No

Education tree. Yes but of no value.

 

I’m not being negative. Ok maybe I am but where all those trees I planted after rebuilding my life after almost being shot and killed when I was 6 months pregnant? They share something in common with the Amazon Rain Forest. Chopped, razed, and burnt to the ground.

 

I have asked so many people for help. As a person who has constantly been rejected in life from the age of 3 it is incredibly difficult to ask for help. I am not vain or conceited. Just petrified of putting myself out there and asking for help. But I have asked for help. All the spiritual books I have read have said the greatest gift you can give someone is to ask for their help. By being in service to another human being you are fulfilling a divine purpose within yourself. Maybe that’s why I was in recruitment. I received an enormous amount of joy by helping people find a new job, or find a job when they were unemployed. I am now in the asking seat and asking for help and not one person will help me.

 

I have every answer from let me see what I can do, I’ll call you this afternoon, I’ll call you tomorrow, I’m in a meeting I’ll call you back, let me get back to you, send me an email and I’ll have a look for you, I’ll have a look out for you dude, I’ll keep my ears open for you, or just completely ignoring me. These people have no intention whatsoever of doing a thing for me. Why can’t people just say NO?

 

Just say NO. No, I can’t help you. No, I don’t want to help you, No, I don’t know anyone who can help you. Don’t string people along. My life feels as if it is hanging by a very fine thread, almost about to snap, break, end. By giving me hope and saying I’ll call you, you’re giving me hope. You make me come back for more excuses, you make me follow up, only to hear more excuses, which send me on a roller coaster of hope, rejection, depression. JUST.FUCKING.SAY.NO so I can cross you off my 2-page long list of ‘hopefuls’ so I can move on and beg more people for help until someone sees the  potential in me and dares to give me a chance. A chance at starting to live my life again.