I’m a bit hesitant to write this post and have been putting it off for a month. I feel if I put it down on paper, it’s permanent and if I fail well then…no-one likes disappointment. Especially when it’s ourselves we’ve disappointed. Paper can be burnt, shredded, torn up. Putting it down in a blog is permanent. There’s no ink but Google remembers EVERYTHING! So.
It was my birthday 26 January. I turned 40 this year. One of the things I am extremely unhappy with is my weight. Every morning it’s a schlep to see what I can wear, what fits. I never had this problem. I could get up and put on whatever I felt like wearing, not what fit. I refuse to buy fat clothes.
I fell pregnant with Jade in 1999. I weighed 49kg. At 5 months I weighed 54kg. At 6 months I weighed 52kg. I was up and running around 3 weeks after her birth. She was 6 weeks old and I could fit into a size 10. When I went back to work when she was 3 months old I could fit into all my clothes.
I fell pregnant with Amber in 2008. I still weighed a very healthy 59kg (I was a few kg’s overweight from partying, drinking, eating). On the day I had her I weighed 84kgs. I know right?!? Within 4 weeks I had dropped to 74kg’s. I started feeling better. And that’s where my weight stayed.
I tried dieting. No use. I tried previous weight loss tricks that worked like a charm. Nothing. I went on the injections. I couldn’t bear to inject myself daily and the cost was way too high to continue indefinitely. No drug use problems for me there! I lost 5 kg’s in 5 weeks but was miserable eating 3 lettuce leaves and 2 peas. I tried weigh-less but with a new(ish) baby, work stress, many hours in my car I just couldn’t sustain it. I started going to gym. I got down to 63kg’s in 11 months. Yip. That’s right. Swimming and Tai Chi. I felt great. The compliments were wonderful. I was 4 kgs from my goal weight.
I had started my own business and had hired a staff member. I felt guilty about going to gym while she was working. Never mind that I worked until 23h00 every night. She thankfully left. I joined BNI. This takes up a lot of time. I stopped going to gym as I didn’t have time. I put on 15 kg’s. We had a dietician join our chapter. Nathalie. I went to her in November 2013 and she put me on a special diet to suit my needs and I could still have a bowl of ice-cream every Saturday. I lost 1.8kg’s in 2 weeks over Christmas! I went from 78kgs to 74kgs. I stopped going to Nathalie. She’s expensive and the trip to see her every week takes an hour, plus petrol and time and her cost. Medical pays it back but I can’t spend all our medical aid for the year on a dietician. So I stopped. I could have continued with her diet and seen her once a month. I was feeling frustrated, angry, depressed with my business. Keeping a food diary and eating felt like admin. I couldn’t be bothered. Eating was a chore. I hardly ate so when I did feed my body it grabbed onto the food and held on for dear life. My body had no idea of when it was going to get a meal again so it just stored it all.
Every time I looked in the mirror I felt a deep sense of loathing towards myself, which is counterproductive. I was so uptight about my weight. We needed bread and milk in the house so I went to the shops. I bought bread, milk and an extra-large slab of aero bubbly. I ate it all before midday. During the week. On my own at my desk. It felt good but the self-loathing felt terrible.
I have NEVER put on weight in December (except when I was pregnant with Amber) and in 2014 I put on 4.4 kgs. I ate, I drank, I enjoyed it and didn’t care. In December I had mentally made up my mind to join weigh-less in January 2015. After Christmas, after DH birthday, then it was my birthday.
So back to my birthday on 26 January. I turned 40. On Thursday 29 January I joined weigh-less. I officially weigh 82.2kg. That’s almost as much as I weighed on the day I had Amber in 2009. I’ll be documenting my weekly journey with weigh-less and the highs and lows I experience.