Today I learnt the difference between a rational and an irrational fear. I have a lot of irrational fears, mostly born out of a very difficult and lonely childhood. My main fear at present is around career. I ran my own business, which has not turned out to be the success I had dreamed it to be. I made the very difficult decision (mentally) to go back to work full-time in November 2014. This decision came on the heels of my business coach pushing me, very hard, in a direction I did not want to go.
So back to my career. I made the decision (mentally) to return to work in November 2014 and run my business part-time. I still have my business as I have an amazing framework, website infrastructure, and strong database that can be used/sold. I have continued doing social media work for clients although I don’t actively pursue new clients, except via my BNI network. I proactively started looking for a new position in June 2015. I steadily became fearful, stressed, and anxious as I spent about 4 hours a day surfing job boards, perfecting my cv, covering letter, and applying for jobs. I was interviewed for a PR position that was part PR and part PA. I was thrilled but after the 2nd interview she just never got back to me. No feedback, no response. Nothing. This was very disappointing as I had no feedback to improve on. This was also very distasteful because as an ex-recruiter I felt this was just bad manners coming from a professional PR Executive and business owner.
I finally, after 5 very long months and not taking a salary for 8 months (my company still generates expenses), was offered a position at an agency as the Content Lead for their social media department. I was ecstatic. I immediately felt like I had renewed purpose in this world. I started 29th October. On 2nd November, yes 2 days into my new job, I was offered the opportunity for an interview for what I thought was the opportunity of a lifetime, at another company. I started on 01 December 2015 and left 22 January 2016.
I’m now back to not having a full-time job, am still working on my business part-time, although I would really prefer to be working in an agency or a company. I miss being part of a team, in a learning environment, and being part of “something bigger”. Right now I am fearful of the future, fearful about money and bills and expenses. I am fearful of applying for jobs as my confidence has been completely destroyed.
These are irrational fears but fears nonetheless as I have no support system, no family to lean on, no fixed financial income, and don’t have a positive financial runway to fall back on. I have lots of debt, but no assets. I fear I am a failure, I fear my teenage daughter has no respect for me, I fear she is not learning wise lessons from me, all she is seeing is a failure.
By doing the Out of Fear into Fabulousness program (which I actually don’t have the money for, eek). I am really hoping to move out of fear and into fabulousness and have the confidence to go back to work, find that fabulous new career that supports me financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Once I have a work purpose I can focus more on my WHY in this world. Which I feel is to write, get my series of children’s books published and contribute back to the education industry.