Irrational Fears

Feb 15

Irrational Fears

Today I learnt the difference between a rational and an irrational fear. I have a lot of irrational fears, mostly born out of a very difficult and lonely childhood. My main fear at present is around career. I ran my own business, which has not turned out to be the success I had dreamed it to be. I made the very difficult decision (mentally) to go back to work full-time in November 2014. This decision came on the heels of my business coach pushing me, very hard, in a direction I did not want to go.

So back to my career. I made the decision (mentally) to return to work in November 2014 and run my business part-time. I still have my business as I have an amazing framework, website infrastructure, and strong database that can be used/sold. I have continued doing social media work for clients although I don’t actively pursue new clients, except via my BNI network. I proactively started looking for a new position in June 2015. I steadily became fearful, stressed, and anxious as I spent about 4 hours a day surfing job boards, perfecting my cv, covering letter, and applying for jobs. I was interviewed for a PR position that was part PR and part PA. I was thrilled but after the 2nd interview she just never got back to me. No feedback, no response. Nothing. This was very disappointing as I had no feedback to improve on. This was also very distasteful because as an ex-recruiter I felt this was just bad manners coming from a professional PR Executive and business owner.

I finally, after 5 very long months and not taking a salary for 8 months (my company still generates expenses), was offered a position at an agency as the Content Lead for their social media department. I was ecstatic. I immediately felt like I had renewed purpose in this world. I started 29th October. On 2nd November, yes 2 days into my new job, I was offered the opportunity for an interview for what I thought was the opportunity of a lifetime, at another company. I started on 01 December 2015 and left 22 January 2016.

I’m now back to not having a full-time job, am still working on my business part-time, although I would really prefer to be working in an agency or a company. I miss being part of a team, in a learning environment, and being part of “something bigger”. Right now I am fearful of the future, fearful about money and bills and expenses. I am fearful of applying for jobs as my confidence has been completely destroyed.

These are irrational fears but fears nonetheless as I have no support system, no family to lean on, no fixed financial income, and don’t have a positive financial runway to fall back on. I have lots of debt, but no assets. I fear I am a failure, I fear my teenage daughter has no respect for me, I fear she is not learning wise lessons from me, all she is seeing is a failure.

By doing the Out of Fear into Fabulousness program (which I actually don’t have the money for, eek). I am really hoping to move out of fear and into fabulousness and have the confidence to go back to work, find that fabulous new career that supports me financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Once I have a work purpose I can focus more on my WHY in this world. Which I feel is to write, get my series of children’s books published and contribute back to the education industry.

 

Irrational Fears

I have a lot of irrational fears, mostly born out of a very difficult and lonely childhood. My main fear at present is around career. I ran my own business, which has not turned out to be the success I had dreamed it to be. I made the very difficult decision (mentally) to go back to work in November 2014. This decision came on the heels of my business coach pushing me, very hard, in a direction I did not want to go. I completely understand and appreciate that sales and marketing are everything in a business. However, I have no marketing background and I am NOT a sales person.

As much as my better judgement and intuition weren’t working very well, I felt that my business coach did not get me. He held monthly talks and invited a guest speaker, usually from the advertising industry, to give a talk. Most of these speakers were also his clients. Not standing up and volunteering to talk on competitions and my business was a sure sign I am terrified of sales, standing up in front of people and confidently speaking and putting myself out there. Maybe I wasn’t so sure of my business and the value it provided but a big part of it was definitely my self-confidence.

He deviated from the advertising and digital path by inviting a psychometrist to speak. Right up my ally as I was in HR and recruitment in a previous life and I am accredited in the Thomas PPA and Thomas TST testing. I was fascinated with the tests she covered in her talk as this was something knew and tested values I could relate to. I went up to Merzanna at the end of the talk, got her card, asked her a few questions, and said I would connect with her. This is one-to-one conversation, which I do very well! I sent her a message the next day. This resulted in me doing a serious of 4 tests, at a cost of a lot of money, and gave me a better understanding of who I am. I essentially did the tests to validate what I ‘knew’ to be true, what I had been telling my business coach, and what he had been ignoring.

I am in INTJ, should stay far away from sales people, or anything to do with public speaking or trying to get a point across. I resonated with the test results 100%. There were many other things in it to but that’s the sum total. At our next meeting I showed my coach the results, he dismissed them. I said I was willing to be coached in sales if he could coach me in a way that that was congruent with my core values and ethics and personality traits. He couldn’t do this. I ended our coaching relationship.

So back to my career. I made the decision (mentally) to return to work in November 2014. I still hung onto my business as I had an amazing framework, website infrastructure, and 30000+ database that could be used/sold. I continued doing social media work for clients although I didn’t actively pursue new clients, except via my BNI network. I proactively started looking for a new position in June 2015. Hey, I need time and facts and to know that it is the right decision before I take the leap. I steadily became fearful, stressed, and anxious as I spent about 4 hours a day surfing job boards, perfecting my cv, covering letter, and applying for jobs. I was interviewed for a PR position that was part PR and part PA. I was thrilled but after the 2nd interview she just never got back to me. No feedback, no response. Nothing. This was very disappointing as I had no feedback to improve on. This was also very distasteful because as an ex-recruiter it was just bad manners.

I finally, after 5 very long months and not taking a salary for 8 months, was offered a position at an agency as content lead for their social media department. I was ecstatic. I immediately felt like I had renewed purpose in this world. I started 29th October. On 2nd November, yes 2 days into my new job, I was offered the opportunity for an interview at another company. I had submitted my application for this job in September. I had taken 2 weeks to put my application together as the job had asked for a huge amount of information, including a psychometric assessment (my own cost) and a video submission. I had received an email with a link to complete an assessment and heard nothing else. I knew she had been overseas so left it, put it out of my mind, started at my new position.

I accepted the offer to interview and had the interview on 07th November. I did this because I of the time and effort I had out into my application and would always wonder ‘what if” if I never went. It was a 2hour20minute interview. She seemed fabulous and I was completely mesmerised and in awe of this personality I had admired from a distance. I received a job offer on Monday morning, 09th November at 09h12. I was shocked. My throat immediately closed up, I felt hot and cold at the same time, and felt like I was going to be sick. I got my phone, went to the bathroom, my stomach was like water, and then I called Andre. I was so confused and had no idea what to do. He, as usual, could offer nothing of value. I called Cheryl-Anne and she said take the job, do what makes you happy. If I had listened to my body “being revolting” and revolting against the job offer I would not have listed to either of them. I would have stayed at the agency.

It took me a week to resign. I felt so horribly, terribly guilty. I also felt fearful of their reaction to me resigning 2 weeks after I started at their agency. Gary was absolutely horrid to work with as he has a really bad temper. His brother Ross was absolutely fabulous and so calm and peaceful and friendly. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t even think of calling Nicole, who is a spiritual guide. I resigned much to their disappointment. I felt the resentment for 2 weeks and was fearful of doing anything wrong or just being me while I worked out my resignation.

I started my new job 01st December. I was fired 22 January. For no reason. 2 days after being fired I received a termination letter stating ‘work performance’ as the reason. I’ve gone to see a lawyer and was referred to an Attorney and we’re going to the CCMA. Again, I let fear control me. I was sick the morning of my lawyers appointment and had horrible diarrhoea on the morning I met with the attorney.

I’m now sitting without a job. I am fearful for the future, fearful about money and bills and expenses. I am fearful about applying for jobs as my confidence has been completely destroyed.

These are irrational fears, but fears nonetheless as I have no support system, no family to lean on, no financial income, and don’t have a cent to my name. Lots of debt, but no money. I fear I am a failure, I fear my teenage daughter has no respect for me, I fear she is not learning wise lessons from me, all she is seeing is a failure.

By doing the Out of Fear into Fabulousness program I really hope to move out of fear and into fabulousness and have the confidence to go back to work, find that fabulous new career that support me financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Once I have a work purpose I can focus more on my WHY in this world. Which I feel is to write.